Doing pregnancy alone
On the absence of a partner.
A big part of choosing to become a solo mum involved being at peace with the fact that I hadn't met the right person to have a baby with. Accepting this doesn’t happen overnight and that acceptance was a huge part of deciding the time was right. I knew that having a baby on my own would be hard but I was up for the challenge and for the most part, I didn’t really dwell on the alternative universe where I was doing this with someone. I was very lucky to have my village of friends and family who were amazing and supportive throughout but naturally there were times when I felt the absence of a partner. Like much of my pregnancy, a lot of these moments are a blur but here are some I remember.
Antenatal classes
Going to antenatal classes on my own was something I’d thought a lot about from the start as I believed these sessions would really hammer home the fact it was just me. My solution was to take a different friend along each week who I could share the experience with. The classes themselves were very inclusive - I was accepted by all the other couples and there was even another solo mum attending too. I realised in the first session that I would have been absolutely fine going on my own. However, I still had moments when I got home after the classes when it was just me mulling over the day’s topic, where I felt it would have been nice to have someone to share the whole thing with. One of the big focuses of these sessions was the birth plan where you think about what kind of birth you would like - eg vaginal vs c-section, drugs vs no drugs, water birth etc. I knew I’d hoped for a vaginal birth but nothing else felt particularly instinctive and it would have been nice to have a partner who might be able to help me decide how we wanted to bring our child into the world*. My mum was my birth partner and she was amazing (more on that to come) but talking through my plans with her wasn’t the same as having someone to actually share the decisions with.
*Ultimately even in a couple, the woman is the one who’s birthing the child so she should always get the final say! None of this ‘we’re pregnant’ malarkey thank you very much.
What to buy
Nothing can quite prepare you for the amount of shit you need to buy when having a baby. It is true that the most important things are clothes, nappies and somewhere for them to sleep but the reality isn’t that straightforward. From whether you’re getting a cot or Moses basket, to what type of pram you need, there are lots of decisions to make and a huge industry capitalising on new parents’ fear that they will get things wrong. I was very lucky to be given and lent a whole host of items which not only saved me a fortune but took some of the pressure off making decisions about what kit to go for. For the rest, there were times when I wished I had someone to help me with the research and planning. Just when you’ve chosen a piece of kit, you will hear anecdotally of someone who thinks that item is garbage. Sharing this responsibility, not to mention the cost, would have been welcome at times.
Taking photos
Friends and family took some photos of me when I was pregnant but they know I’m a bit camera-shy and so usually it was when I asked for them that they’d oblige. I would have loved someone to take regular photos to document my pregnancy and if I had a partner it may have been a given that they would be able to do this. Instead most my bump pictures are selfies which are of course just as special but it’s not the same as seeing yourself in the way that others do. I didn’t want the formal photoshoots, but would have loved some more candid pictures from along the way.
Baby’s movements
Even though my pregnancy was pretty straightforward and brought no major concerns, there were still times when the responsibility of growing a human being felt huge. And he was just my human - both the most amazing and scariest thing. It’s very normal to worry about your baby’s movements, especially in the third trimester. The issue I had was I'd never really kept track of what was normal for me - I knew I felt him move every day but not his exact pattern - and so there were a few occasions when I worried that he might be quieter than normal. One time I got worried enough to go and get things all checked over where I was thankfully told he was fine. In these moments I wished I had someone else to consult, someone who would know his movements almost as well as me and might be able to offer reassurance or validate my concerns.
Body changes
I knew my body would change a lot when I was pregnant and part of me was scared about how that would make me feel. I'm a feminist but I'm also a baby of the 80s, teenager of the 90s and cannot shake off some of the body hang-ups I picked up on the way. I ended up loving my pregnancy body for the most part but at times I still wished I had someone who would look at me in the way I'd seen some men look at their partners, taking all of me in and desiring me because of all the changes not despite them. I know not everyone in a relationship has that kind of partner but it really is a special thing to see this love and admiration in action.
For the most part, I was empowered by my decision to have a baby on my own and I was not short of cheerleaders in the form of friends, family and many others who I talked to along the way, but doing motherhood differently brought moments of thinking about how it might have been if I was with someone. Of course, not all the things I’ve listed are a given in any relationship but I’ve seen enough positive examples to know that they do exist.
Next week I’m going to bring these pregnancy updates to an end and will be sharing my last one before the big day itself. I absolutely can’t wait to start writing about the little guy.